Where is God?

First, I apologize for going silent recently.  Last week we had a hurricane blow through and I am just now getting power back after 4 long days.  

Since last writing a lot has happened. We got the pathology report back after the cancerous lymph node was removed. It confirmed that the malignancy was in fact cancer spread from my esophagus and not a whole new cancer. 

They also removed not only the lymph node that was known to have cancer cells but also the nodes on either side of it. Thankfully the other nodes showed no signs of cancer, so the surgeon believes that they got good margins.  

I was lucky enough to have an appt with my oncologist to go over the next steps/plans right after seeing my surgeon for her update on the pathology.  He basically said while we got all of the affected known nodes, there is still a strong chance that the cancer has traveled to other areas more distally because the node that was involved is tied into the thoracic duct. However, he felt that the best course of action was to sit tight, hold off on any chemo or radiation until we could an updated CT scan so we can target what we see specifically and intentionally.   Both chemo and radiation have lifetime limits so conserving the options until we see what we are up against makes sense. 

He is also doing additionally genetic testing on the cells to be able to see what targeted approach will be the most advantageous should I need it. This is actually an interesting newish development in cancer protocols and so if there are any nerdy types like me check out Foundation medicine and specifically CGP genomic profiling testing. Sooo interesting! 

I will have the CT scan tomorrow morning at 9am EST.  I ask, as always, that you remember me and my family in your prayers over this all and ask for wisdom for the Drs and techs who will be interpreting the scans. 

Now for some Musings.... 

I hesitated to share this part of my post in light of the recent events in Western NC and Tennessee. But.... ultimately, I think there is a message in it and feel compelled. 

A couple of weeks ago my family found the most perfect puppy addition to bring into our family and planned an out of state trip to go pick him up. I originally had planned to just send my youngest daughter and husband on a trip to retrieve him because I struggle with severe anxiety. My anxiety spells are usually tied specifically with being in a car and is amplified tenfold when I am forced to be on the interstate! My recovery from the surgery had also been a challenge. 

However, at the last moment I decided to tag along. The plan was to travel from SC to the Nashville, TN area then turn around and come all the way back. And... to make it at all feasible to do, we had to go at least there by interstate (The same interstate now inaccessible going from Tennessee to Asheville- I-40). I was apprehensive but really wanted to take the time to make some memories with my youngest and husband.  It was to be both of their first times through the Smoky Mountains. 

Now WANTING to be brave about it and actually BEING brave about doing it are two different things...I felt myself growing more and more anxious as the days to departure quickened.  The night before the trip in the wee hours of the morning I had a long conversation with God.  I told Him that I realized the irony of how this trip is similar to this cancer life journey. I realized that I was scared but I was also determined to ride out whatever road lay before me. I told God that I wished I could just snap my fingers and be puppy in hand, but I realized that that wasn't how thing worked and that I was going to have to choose to trust that He had me in the journey. I gave God permission (like He really needs it but...lol) to call to my attention parallels and to use this trip to encourage my bigger walk with Him through this cancer situation. 

Y'all.... He showed up! 

Was I still scared when we turned on the blinker to head onto the entrance ramp to start heading toward Tennessee... you betcha. 

Did I have God's peace tho? Also you betcha!

Here is the reality.. I said .... I submit myself into God's protective hand and turn this trip over to him. But...did I just suddenly feel all of my fears subsiding? No :( 

I think that whole measure is an inaccuracy of what "giving it to God" looks like that honestly probably does more harm than good to hurting people and frankly pushes people from God. It isn't a hat. We don't take off our hat of fear and put on our hat of God peace and walk around anew. 

Instead, we invite God into our fear places and we take comfort knowing that He is there come what may. Knowing God is intimately accessible alongside us has the potential to give us the courage to step out of our comfort zone and endure even the things we don't like. 

I held my seatbelt a bit tighter when we entered the highway. But I knew I could loosen my grip and just call out to Him when we passed the big trucks or hit a patch of chaotic traffic because he was right there alongside me waiting to show up for me. 

Look ^ that is us right there in the check-out line or sitting in the pew on Sunday, or waiting in the elevator for a tough appointment after an unspeakable diagnosis. And...we are standing there with all of those issues and problems right alongside a million of other people also going through their own lists of trials and tribulations. We can take comfort knowing we are all just on our way. We are all in process. And God sees each and every one of us and desires just to come sit in the seat beside us and help us navigate and sit in the mess of the traffic with us. 

 On the way back my sweet husband and I decided to take back roads. We love to people watch and imagine ourselves living out in the country with a mountain backdrop. 

Its peaceful.

It's quiet.

The clocks slow.

And...I take my hand off the seatbelt. 

We laugh.

We joke.

The scenery awes me.

And.... for a moment I even forget we are even really journeying.  

As we inched our way back toward the steeper part of the mountains, the roads began to wind. Right angle blind turns came at us and signs warning of the upcoming road shapes began to look like they were spelling out coded cursive messages. To the left, back to the right, we weaved up and down the range. That too was scary in its own right. However, without fail, just when I was getting a bit unsure of what lay ahead and began to wonder how much more I could take, we would round a turn and

 *Boom* 

God!

In the crispness of the leaves, in the sparkle of the water. In the calm of the flat land, he would make His presence known. My heart would settle, and I began to find myself falling into a rhythm of anticipating Him at each turn instead of just seeing the white lines and cliffs on the edge of the road. It became almost a game of hide and go seek. 

Where are You? 

There You are!

Where did You go? 

Just checking, I see You!

Ahhh! I get it now; we really ARE doing this together...come what may. 

The trip and being able to truly see a visual representation of Him at work all around us and alongside us has made all the difference. It has helped me suit up for tomorrow's scan. It has definitely even helped me get through this recent hurricane ordeal. 

Hard to believe that some of the very roads I traveled and that are pictured above are impassable right now. The quiet tranquil homes, barns, and communities that we shared space with were violently rocked to their very foundations. 

(foxweather.com)

(nbc.news)

Where are You possibly at here?

Not gonna lie, it took me a minute to try to process how that would all fit into my "uplifting" narrative about God showing up for us like a champion calming the seas and easing our burdens and worries on my journey. Then the more I thought on this, the louder God's voice became. Even if the road implodes. Even if your journey leads you into places that are devastating. We can hold on and we can face it... one day, one step at a time because the journey was never about the road or the circumstance.  They will be what they are. The REAL journey is our walk with Him and His presence in, through, and despite it all. 

So where is He in the election nonsense? Where is He in the hurricane despair? Where is He in the current wars? Where is He in the longshoreman strike? Where is He when the cancer returns? When the job fails? When the eviction happens? When you get the news that they are gone? When you just don't feel like you can take another step??

 He is where He always is. 

He is waiting and wanting to walk us through it...come what may. 

And THAT is where the peace is found.

So my friends and fellow travelers...