In the Wait...

 

Today I had my routine 3-month scan. Once a year instead of a CT scan, they have done a PET scan which is a bit more sensitive, and today's scan was a PET one. It is always a nerve wrecking time leading up to and just after the scan times. Guess I'm just human after all. 

A few hours after doing the scan the results popped up on my chart online. I don't think the doctor has even reviewed them yet to be honest.  Overall, from what I read, it looks good. It showed no masses in my abdomen, lungs, kidneys, or liver and the original cancer site looks stable. There was one new area of increased metabolic activity, the supraclavicular lymph node. On the scan it says that can be caused by something as severe as spread of the cancer or as minor as inflammation. It can also be a sign of an infection. I have had a cold this past week. My Dr appointment with my Oncologist to go over the results is set for this Friday at 8am unless he calls or sends a message in my chart online before then. So, it might be something or it might be nothing.

So for now, I wait... and because I am human, I worry. Then try not to worry, then find myself worrying again lol

I debated about making this post right now. Part of me wants to hold my breath and cocoon for the next 72 hours until I know more. I'm scared to be honest and somehow it doesn't seem like it is as big of a deal if I just don't talk about it. 

But...

Then I thought more about it and I think it is important to document these holding your breath waiting moments. 

As I get older, more and more it seems like I am recognizing that THAT in-between space is where we spend the majority of our lives. We are always waiting for this event or thar milestone to happen. We await this test, that appointment, this job opportunity, or that paycheck. 

When I was a kid one of the "coolest kid" things to do in the pool besides underwater handstands was to try to sit on the bottom and have an imaginary tea party. It involved being able to hold your breath for a long time. The person who could take the most sips of the imaginary tea with their legs criss cross applesauce on the bottom of the pool was the champion for the rest of the day with all the bragging rights. 

I think in life we have somehow carried that same sentiment over.  The people we often admire are those who appear stoic, who seem to "hold their breath" and emotions in and don't seem shaken or phased by all of life's uncertainties and ups 'n downs. You know, those who look like they have it all together. 

I spent a lot of my life trying to either be that kind of person or more accurately trying to beat myself up for NOT being able to be that kind of person. 

Here is what I have learned (more recently than I really like to admit lol)....that is all crap!

The real pool champion should have never been the one who could sit on the bottom defying buoyancy and holding their breath. No, the real champion is the one who could flip over, outstretch their arms, close their eyes, and take a big breath in and out, rise up to the top, and just go with the flow of the water. 

                             

So here I am...in the wait and while it isn't fun and it feels scary and I don't like not knowing what is next... I'm choosing to step into it. 

                   ...I'm choosing to not fight my emotions in the middle of it

                              ...I'm choosing to throw out my hands and lift up my head to Him

                                         ... I'm choosing to just breathe in and out

                                                  ...I'm choosing to go with the flow

and know what? 

There is peace found...even here.