The Road to Peace is Littered with COVID
I've been sitting here staring at this screen tonight for a while trying to figure out how to put into words what I want to say. I'm getting tired so it is sorta now or never at this point.
First the news and updates for those who would rather not follow me to the end of this through all my musings.
I had my surgery to dilate my new esophagus again on Monday Jan 29th. At that time, they found a polyp and biopsied it. After a long week's wait we found out it was not cancerous (Thank God) and was instead caused by stomach irritation. This makes sense as having acid reflux and aspiration issues is what led me to do the dilation surgery in the first place.
Fast forward. On Sunday Feb 4th (a little over a week ago) I tested positive for COVID. Over the course of the next few days, Paul and our youngest daughter did too. Because of my risk situation, I took Paxlovid and actually experienced fairly mild symptoms thankfully. I started testing negative again on Friday (2/9). The only symptom that was lingering was some chest congestion that sounds really junkie but hasn't caused at this point any shortness of breath or dip in my o2 stats thankfully.
The latest update however is...After several days of testing negative, I am once again positive. This is most likely rebound infection. My original symptoms have returned, and I am back to isolating once again, this time alone which is a whole other thing to unpack. I will be going to see my lung dr. in the morning to check on how my lungs are holding up.
Prayers please that his rebound is mild and that my lungs sound good tomorrow and the dr. helps realign my medications to help get everything moving in the right direction.
Now for the musings...
One of the little phrases that has been sticking with me this last week has been... "Not What If, Focus on What Is" ... Seems simple enough, right? I thought so too...until I realized it wasn't.
As I have really been meditating on it, I cannot tell you the number of times throughout the day that my thoughts naturally gravitate into that "What if" realm. What if I forgot something off the grocery order? What if we didn't wipe something down enough? What if I didn't talk to the kids enough that day? What if we didnt get enough school done for my homeschooler? What if we struggle to pay bills and/or taxes next month because of so much missed work? What if the cancer returns? What if the doctor puts me in the hospital because of my lung congestion? What if this case of COVID is severe for me? For my daughter? For my husband? What if my clients leave for missed sessions? Even... What if me writing a blog topic on what if's is dumb?
Did I mention I have anxiety and that I often over think things? lol I think you get the idea. When I have caught myself doing it this week, I have intentionally hit the pause button and made myself think of 3-5 What is things right then and there no excuses.
So ...
What if I forgot something off the grocery order becomes... We have a nice array of food in the pantry, We have food choices. I have access to recipes online for ingredients I do have. My family loves food and we aren't picky eaters.
What if I didnt talk to the kids enough that day becomes...Even though I am quarantined and some kids dont live with me, we all have internet access thankfully and connect via that way anytime. Its only mid afternoon, look at all the minutes of opportunity left in the day to reach out.
Of course, lol then I have this kind of interaction with one of them on messenger and realize yea Im good...lol I talk to them quite enough, anymore and their weirdness might rub off.
Anyway back to what I was saying....
What if I have to go to the hospital for my lungs or this COVID is severe for me or any of my family becomes...My oxygen levels are doing great. I have no fever, I am able to not focus on my breath. I live close to several wonderful hospitals and have attentive doctors that I trust. They are all currently negative and have all had mild cases up to this point.
This is probably second nature to some and doesn't seem like a big light bulb thing (I'm jealous of those of you who live in the space of now effortlessly btw). However, for me, it has been an LED level light bulb moment. I think it was the key to how I was able to navigate this cancer journey so far honestly (I'll get back to that in a minute).
1st As I mentioned, I didn't really pay attention before this week how much of my now I was giving away to the "what if's" One can waste quite a few good days anticipating and planning for the bad ones.
2nd As I started recognizing and shifting my focus to the What Is... Peace came, my anxiousness lessened and I was able to stand in the moment of now and catch my breath so to speak.
Living in the what if is exhausting even when you are a pro at it and can run through all the different scenarios at lightning speed. It also robs you of what is right in front of you. And as it binds you, it blinds you.
There is this quicksand meme I saw some years ago...
And doesn't that just sum it all up really well? How much time and energy have we given to the things that never really became an issue or problem? How many things have we missed appreciating or acknowledging right in front of us because our minds and focus were on some far off distant what if instead of being just present in the moment?
As for the tie in to my cancer. I am not sure who here remembers but one of the things I said after my surgery when I got the first all clear was that I was worried somehow, I would slip back into the busyness of the "normal" days and would forget to just tap into the peace that comes with just turning things over to God and living in the moment step by step.
I think instinctively, maybe for preservation? I slipped into the what is instead of what if mindset. The big picture of cancer is so scary that in order to get through it I had to just choose to take off bite sized pieces of it all at a time...step by step. Think of someone going through a haunted house buried into the back of the person with them just trying to get through the rooms to the exit door one step and jump scare at a time. My cousin had also reminded me at the very beginning to celebrate the small victories, so I was actively looking for them and for Him in the middle of the moments. That laser focus on the now enabled the world to slow enough for me to soak up everything in the moments I was living. It allowed me to see God in the small things, to realize I wasn't walking out the journey alone and that too brought peace.
It is that peace that I was able to retap into with the phrase "Not What if, but what is" It is that peace that is available to each of us each and every breath, always. One day the big scary What if will come to pass. It's inevitable. However, when it does what a gift it will be to be able to look back and see all the days that weren't marred by the big scary what if scenarios battering them around. And... since I have/am living out a big what if scenario right now (cancer) I can say with assurance... when that big scary what if happens, there will still be moments of joy. There will still be moments of comfort. There will still be moments of true happy. There will still be His presence alongside you...even there.
Even if the fig tree does not bloom and the vines have no grapes,
even if the olive tree fails to produce
and the fields yield no food,
even if the sheep pen is empty
and the stalls have no cattle—
Even then,
I will be happy with the Lord.
I will truly find joy in God, who saves me. (Habakkuk 3:17–18)
Author Vaneetha Risner says it this way...
"Even if...
Those two simple words have taken the fear out of life. Replacing “what if” with “even if” is one of the most liberating exchanges we can ever make. We trade our irrational fears of an uncertain future for the loving assurance of an unchanging God. We see that even if the worst happens, God will carry us. He will still be good. And he will never leave us."
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