God is Good!

A quick update...Thank you for all of the prayers regarding my CT scan and brain MRI that was scheduled this week.  I am so very grateful and humbled to announce that they both came back clear!! NO EVIDENCE OF ANY DISEASE/CANCER! Sometimes a headache thankfully is JUST a headache! 

A longer story... So the week started off a bit rocky. I had to reschedule my first attempt to do the brain MRI because I started to aspirate when I laid flat on the table. 

However, I got far enough into the process to discover that they have to put this heavy cage looking helmet over your head to immobilize you to do the MRI AND to learn that because my doctor wanted to see both my brain (cos of headaches) and my ears (cos of recent hearing loss) my particular tests were going to total over an hour of being in that confined tube bolted down with a cage over my face.  

I ended up rescheduling the testing for last Friday the 20th, the day after my CT scan, and proceeded to spend the entire week worrying about how the MRI would go and fretting about the claustrophobic nature of the entire situation! I don't even have claustrophobia, but y'all, let me tell ya... I borrowed that fear this week as if it were my favorite pair of slippers and wore the heck out of it all the same. 

Fast forward, Friday came. I had learned from a post esophagectomy group that I am in that fasting for at least 12 hours before the tests seems to help with aspirating so of course I did that. I also mentioned to my tech that I was feeling some apprehension about wearing the helmet for so long and how uncomfortable it had been when I previously had had it on for a few minutes on Monday. The edge of it had sat right at my chest port and dug into my skin. She reassured me and then that lovely, lovely, kind woman went into the machine room and changed out the table and head rest pads to give me a little less cushion but a bit more breathing room between me and the mask. It was SUCH a HUGE relief. She also informed me that the test would take half as long as the previous tech had stated. She said instead of running the two ordered tests back-to-back she could just run it once in depth and reformat it to work for the second needed parameters! I was again elated.  What's more... the 12 hour fast worked and I was able to lay down with ease. 

They got my IV line set for the contrast and we started the test. 

As I was rolled into the tube it was intense, but I found the experience a bit of a metaphor to life. Sometimes in life we have to go through things that feel compressing, that we don't reallly want to do, and that we feel out of control in the middle of. 

What brought me peace was the realization that..

1. This was just going to be a moment of time. It wasn't going to last forever and each second I was facing it, walking it out, was a second less of it I had to endure. The tech talking me through it via the speaker did a good job telling me... this next part with last 4 minutes. The next one is just 1 minute 40 seconds. She encouraged me. "You are doing great", "just a bit more" Normally I tend to think of myself as a person who likes to have things planned out far in advance. But there was so much comfort in knowing I just needed to get through that next single second.... The next portion of the test.... The next breath.... Just in and then out. Nothing more, nothing less. 

This is one of the reasons why I chose today's picture. Look at the depth of the framing. It seems to go on and on forever. It's kinda like those digital pictures where you zoom into a window to see the picture hanging on the wall and can zoom in further into the picture to see a castle that has a window...etc etc etc. It represents life with all of its ups n downs, twists and turns. We walk this crooked little path and we can only truly see right there in front of us...even if we plan. Especially when we try our best to plan it out, the ultimate truth is, we can only take the road as it comes and it is always just a step at a time. Nothing more, nothing less. 

2. My second realization in that terrible tube was that God was right there with me. I know cos I called for Him. I realized... Even though I was out of control and felt in chaos in this particular situation... not only there in the tube but also in the greater journey of this cancer walk...even if....The true reality was...no matter where I go, whatever part of the road I am traveling.... I am ALWAYS BEING HELD by Him!! Take a minute to really process that. God is ALWAYS right there. 

A peace came over me then, enough that I started picking out song rhythms that matched the noise of the machine as it did its thing (I blame the musical Rent for that odd talent I have acquired)

Welcome back lol 

Back to the second reason I chose the picture for today's post. Look where the ray's are...God's touch, His presence is in tomorrow. He is all in there, working everything out AND even still His light is enough to hold us in our today too! We are covered completely and never are outside of the reach of His care. We truly can take comfort in that, regardless of what is around that bend in the road. 

Some friends of mine lost their cancer battle this week. It has been hard, I'm grieved, and I don't understand how there can be so many different outcomes. It will be a question I ask when I finally make it to heaven for sure. For now, I can say, I do know who God is and can say again with assurance...We are covered completely and never are outside of the reach of His care. We truly can take comfort in that, regardless of what is around that bend in the road. Even when our road finally comes to an end.