Stillness

So, yes I know, I've been a bit quieter since surgery. I apologize to those who are used to the jovial, joking, and always texting me. To be honest, I am even still getting to know this quieter, more reflective me post-surgery.       

Part of it I think is just self-preservation mode. This surgery really did do a number on me and every bit of energy I exert (yes even socializing and talking require energy) costs me something. I am still only eating around 500-800 calories a day and now that we have added in more treatments (immunotherapy) I am just plum tired most days and nights.

The other part of it though is I have been doing a lot of self-reflection. God and I are talking quite a bit and I am wrestling. Peeking behind the curtain of life and seeing truly the finiteness of the fabric of time really does a number on you. You can’t unsee it. You can’t unknow it.

A lot of stillness and reflection is happening.

A lot of really thinking about how I want to fill and organize my days moving forward.

A lot of hope...I am so grateful for every step thus far I have taken and the outcomes it has afforded me.

A lot of trepidation…I am finding myself holding my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop and getting bad news.

A lot of guilt…for think that way.

There is so much that I do not understand and know. So much I know yet choose or forget to implement consistently or do. And yet, God is patient with me. One of the tender graces in this place is the feeling of his presence alongside me in the most tender of ways. He just sits with me in this place of reflection and reminds me that I am ok, even here…especially now. He reminds me that he sees me and he doesn’t rush my processing or judge my hesitation or questioning. He just loves me in the midst of it.

 My grandfather used to live on Lake Murray. As a kid I remember always darting around when Id visit to go exploring, fishing, swimming, fort building, etc. There was so much for this ol city girl to find to do at the lake and I was determined to do it all in each allotted visit time. My grandfather had a special spot in his front yard overlooking the lake that he liked to sit. He had fashioned a little table and umbrella around his chair and spent hours from dawn til dusk just looking out over the water and talking to those who would stop by for a talk. He looked always content (except when I ran on the dock lol) and looking back there was a comfort in knowing he was always right there. If I had a question, if I had a problem, if I needed advice, if I had a story to share…he was always sitting there and always patiently present.

It reminds me of this season in my relationship with God. He is just sitting with me as I step out into this next chapter Always waiting should I have a question...should I have a problem...should I need advice...should I have a story to share. He is always sitting there and always patiently present. And ohhh how good it feels, even in this new place of insecurity, to be in his ever-constant presence. We are never alone! Meditate on THAT!   

 *Treatment updates*

Today I am heading back to Charleston for another dilation surgical procedure tomorrow, June 2^nd at 7am. Prayers that it is successful and for safe travels and wisdom for my treatment team and doctors and they make decisions and plan treatment protocols for my case.