Musing #2 Present... in the Present... in His Presence

My first musing thoughts post spoke into the idea of anchoring yourself into the present moment. Soaking every bit of the good and bad out of the now without keeping your heart turned back into the yesterdays or straining to see too far ahead into those illusive tomorrows.

But, how do you "train?" yourself to sit in the discomfort of "the unknown" in those present moments when an illness or event happens that literally seeks to take your very breath away (situationally figurative and literal---which apparently now are synonyms for each other in some dictionaries but that is a soap box topic for ANOTHER post lol)

Since the diagnosis its often scary to linger in the hollowed-out space of the present even though I recognize its gift and appreciate the idea that my present moment was created just for me... for me to enjoy, to grow in, to do the work of God in, to relish in my loved ones in and to breath love into this world in. 

I've been working on trying to figure out why. 

Here is what I have come up with and please bear with me as it is still a work in progress. 

Being in the present is often scary because to truly sit in the present we have to stop actively casting our net into the future. We have to stop doing, planning, seeking, and striving. We have to still ourselves and simply be. And, when your current situation's outcome (doesn't have to only be cancer) is uncertain, that means opening your hands and relinquishing control.... or the attempt to control. It means sitting in the discomfort of not knowing or not having it all figured out. It's frightening, the uneasiness of the space of "the present" has, historically, sometimes even made me physically ill. 

That same Friar I spoke of in the last post is credited with penning this poem that pops up every year on my Facebook memories. It says: 

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.

We are quite naturally impatient in everything

to reach the end without delay.

We should like to skip the intermediate stages.

We are impatient of being on the way

to something unknown,

something new.

Yet it is the law of all progress that is made

by passing through some stages of instability

and that may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you.

Your ideas mature gradually. Let them grow.

Let them shape themselves without undue haste.

Do not try to force them on

as though you could be today what time

— that is to say, grace —

and circumstances

acting on your own good will

will make you tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new Spirit

gradually forming in you will be.

Give our Lord the benefit of believing

that his hand is leading you,

and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself

in suspense and incomplete

It's that ending that feels just like God tapping me on the shoulder and whispering into my ear "Psst! This. This is important" 

Give our Lord the benefit of believing that His hand is leading you.

I love the wording of this line. In fact, I have gone down a few rabbit holes of thought about this.

Ultimately it is telling us to relinquish control, open our hands and know that "He has you boo". and not only does he have you...He is actively working in and through you. He isn't keeping you stationary. He is moving you, breath by breath, closer to Him along His path.

If you allow Him to direct and order your steps. 

If you stay continually renewed in Him. 

Accept the anxiety of feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete.

WOW! That's powerful you guys! What if we not only accept that place of waiting and suspense but actually grow to even love the feeling of becoming??

My mind goes to the analogy of working out. When on that second or third day of a new workout routine you start lifting those weights, walking on the treadmill, or riding that bike again, you feel the burn of the muscles you have been using. 

On the one hand, it doesn't really feel too good, it hurts. But that stretching is confirmation that you are actually doing something, you are in process. You are on your way to becoming a new version of yourself and THAT can be motivating and satisfying.  

If I allow it, the anxiety I feel about a particular unknown in my present circumstance can actually serve as the first harmonizing note in my worship of Him.

♫ ♪ ♬*Anxious thought*♫ ♪ ♬ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀♫ ♪ ♬ God, You see me. in this place. ♫ ♪ ♬ I don't know what is coming. ♫ ♪ ♬ I don't know how this is going to resolve. ♫ ♪ ♬ But I know that You do. ♫ ♪ ♬ So, I stand here in this place of insecurity. ♫ ♪ ♬Secure and trusting in You. ♫ ♪ ♬