Musing #1 The Knowing

In several of my other posts I have been promising to share a few of my musing thoughts that I have been working through. 

Fr. Pierre Teilhard de Chardin... The man himself was controversial in his time and some of his ideas are still controversial today. In addition to his religious pursuits, he was also a paleontologist and sought with earnest to find the connection between science and Christianity. One of his penned thoughts was that the immergence of man into existence brought an extra dimension into the world. He defined this moment/ happening as the birth of reflection. This was because animals, he said, know things but man KNOWS that he KNOWS things, he has "knowledge to the square." 

For me, cancer has been a bit like this...knowing that you know. 

 Now, the idea that we all die isn't like this new concept that I just suddenly knew thanks to cancer. In fact our mortality is something that we all face and wrestle with at some point in our lives, and usually we first begin to feel its weight as children. I remember vaguely when I first understood about death. I am not sure what the catalyst was, but I definitely remember being wrapped up in my mom's arms with my head on her shoulder. Big tears streamed down my face as I tried to grasp the reality that she wasn't going to be with me forever, that this version of our us wasn't going to go on forever. I was mad, I was sad, I was afraid. My mom tried to console me. "Oh honey, I'm not going anywhere for a long, long time" and "Yes, but then we get to go to heaven, and we will be there forever." Her hug, those thoughts, just the exhaustion of how every part of me felt the anguish of being apart were successful at pushing the thought of goodbye WAYY down the road. It also did something else, or at least started to set the mindset for something else. 

It also began to quiet me truly living too. 

Ok, so maybe it wasn't JUST that moment, but as a society far too many of us can find ourselves complacent in this middle space. So many days of "I'll do that tomorrow", "I am not ready to attempt or try this or that yet", "One day I'll...." "When I get older, I'm going to..." "I'm not ready to forgive yet..." "I'll start taking care of me after___insert future date here____"

Cancer for me has been like binoculars. It has brought that far off line of mortality closer. Now, here me, I am not saying I am giving up and waving a white flag accepting defeat and waiting for death to overtake me. I am also not cryptically trying to publicly announce that this cancer has taken a turn for the worst. My scans were good, my doctor was hopeful, and I feel a lot of peace about where we are and where we are heading....But facing a serious diagnosis has made me have to look at the reality of our mortality and it has caused me to reflectively look back over my life. It also informs in some way each action in my now. 

I know that I know. 

I know that I know how fleeting the individual moments are. 

I know that I know... how we are never guaranteed a single extra one. We have only this point in time that we are experiencing.

This breath...gift. 

This one...gift. 

This one...undeserved gift. 

again and again. 

I know that I know... this could be my last chance to make amends, to give a hug, to build someone up instead of tear them down, to find courage to attempt or try something new....

I know that I know... this could be my last chance to truly accept Jesus. My last chance to admit to myself and Him where I truly am, or to take that step closer into Him. This could be my last chance to open my hands and lay at His feet the areas of my life I have been keeping control of. 

What would our lives look like if we actually didn't wait until the loss of someone close or a disease to strike our lives to take our blinders off and see the reality of the frailness of life?

What if we didn't always spend our time casting our nets of wants and to do's into the sea of future points and just found contentment and joy in all of those present moments we usually just try to "get through?"

I remember when I was raising my babies and was that exhausted mother spending so much time looking forward to the day that...

...that they slept through the night. 

...that they didn't need diapers anymore.

...that they wouldn't tantrum or color on the walls or argue with each other.

As they got older, I looked forward to the day they wouldn't think I was so stupid, would see that I was right or did all that I did FOR them, even the things they didn't like. 

In my marriage I spent a good bit of time looking forward to the day...

...we could take a nap in the middle of the day and leave the kids awake unsupervised (that day has thankfully already arrived, and it was glorious lol) 

...we could finally travel together and check things off our bucket lists. 

...we could take that mission trip together. 

...we could have the house to ourselves and rock in rocking chairs together. 

...we could be grandparents to a dozen littles. 

How often in our jobs and careers do we pine for those far off not guaranteed moments or put off actions to grab our dreams? 

How many moments did I miss appreciating to their fullest because part of my heart was longing for what could possibly come? 

I don't want to do that anymore and I grieve that I ever did.