Unsettled Anticipation....

 

So, my last radiation was completed on January 3rd and as many of you know we rung in the New Year with a positive COVID case in our house on December 31st. The days since have been strange to be sure and my emotions have been all over the place. 

There is definitely a sense of accomplishment having made it to the end of 5 chemo infusions and 28 radiations. It was a challenge to get through, but I am stronger for having done it and my faith is stronger for having done it with God by my side. This week since the radiation ended has been the worst symptom wise. I have esophagus pain from the radiation irritation and nausea. I have lost several pounds which normally would make me thrilled. There has been some brain fog and fatigue. 

What I didn't so much expect was a sense of angst as now I transition back into the waiting phase of this journey. It felt good and there was momentum when I was ticking down the number of treatments and actively doing something to attack back at this cancer. Now I wait. 

Wait to heal up before surgery.

Wait to see how effective the treatments were.

Wait to see if I am still a candidate for surgery. 

Wait to see if the surgery goes well.

Wait to see if the surgery cures this cancer. 

Add to all of that the...

Wait to see who else in the house will get COVID. 

Wait to be able to have use of my house to be able to resume work. (Paul and I have not worked since Dec 16th and this extra expense of medicines and COVID tests for a family of 5 has really put us into a situation :( 

Wait to figure out how to meet all the financial demands that keep coming regardless. 

Wait to breathe a sigh of relief knowing my kiddos are on the upswing of this virus. 

Wait to be able to touch my grown moved out kids. 

And well when you add it all up...

I'm overwhelmed. I'm anxious. I'm unsettled.

I know God is in this journey but there is a lot of stillness to be with one's thoughts in these waiting spaces and I am sometimes not the best company for myself, especially when I am under stress. 

2022 was a LONG year. and 2023 is setting itself up to be even longer. 

So, pray for me. Pray that I continue to feel Gods ready comfort and that His peace covers me in this season of unknowns. Pray that I have speak truth over myself and that I don't succumb to speaking negativity to myself but instead have the courage to take EVERY thought captive.  I know He is faithful to finish the work He has started in me. I know He is trustworthy, and I know that He is in this situation and is working a way through it all, even when the road ahead feels too difficult to travel and the walls around me feel like they are caving in.