Chemo/Radiation Starts Tomorrow

 Well, it is upon us. Tomorrow begins my first chemo and radiation. Many have asked how I am feeling. I described tonight to some friends as it is like I am the next up for a ride on a roller coaster that I have been waiting in line FOREVER to ride. 

On the one hand, I am super excited because for over a month now I have had to live with this invading thing in my body and while I've done lots of important prep work, Dr. appointments and, scans, nothing has really thus far been DONE to actually attack or fight the cancer itself. So, after the long wait it is FINALLY almost my turn to actively be doing something. 

On the other hand, if you have ever been that person waiting in line for a roller coaster, you know once you get up to the front of the line you can really more clearly see all the loops, hear the screams at the dips, and feel the wind from the cars on the track. It gives one a bit of a pause if we are honest. I am no exception. I am admittedly a bit terrified of this next step. Please don't think me any less human just because I am choosing to trust in God to move my feet through this. 

So, all of this weekend I have been in contemplative conversations with God.  What do we do? How do we handle it when we firmly reside in two completely opposite places about the same situation at the exact same time? And what do we do when we HAVE to walk out our worst fears even if ?? 

Even if it is scary...

Even if we want to ostrich ourselves and pretend it isn't happening...

Even if we aren't assured of the outcome ...

God has been patient with me. He hasn't rushed me to get to a certain place of trusting or peace. He has allowed me the safe place to cry about this. He has allowed me to be afraid without being disappointed in me for my shortcomings and struggles. In fact, it was in those moments of breaking that I have felt Him hold me the most tenderly and completely. It has become a place of refuge for me in this. I don't enjoy the moments of pain, fear, doubt, or breaking but I love love love the feeling of being wrapped in Him. 

It reminds me of those times as a child where I would have a bad day at school or with friends or whatever situation routinely breaks us when we are young. I would do my best to suck it up and try to be brave and act like "Sticks and stones break your bones, but words really don't hurt you" I could usually hold things together until...until I entered my mom's presence. One look at me and she would respond, "What's wrong?" The flood gates would open, tears would fall, and I would ultimately end up wrapped in her hug.  Ohh, the peace of those moments. The peace of just being seen and held.

So here is what I've come up with.

Because He sees me...

Because He holds me when I have no strength...

Because He loves me THAT completely enough to even love me when I have nothing to give in return but my brokenness, my anxiety, my tears, and my concerns...

I can take His hand like Peter and step out of the boat of my comfort and into this next part of this uncertain and twisted journey. I can sit in the roller coaster car securely and hold on as He makes my way.  

Besides, the truth of it all is I only want to be found on the path He makes for me anyway...even if it is uncomfortable and scary. 

Prayers appreciated tomorrow. I have to be there at 7:45am. It will probably take most of the day. I will do my best to post an update and if I don't, Paul will.