So Here We Are...

Technical Stuff.... (It's taken me so long to actually hit submit on this post. 

As many of you may already know, a little over a week ago, I had an Endoscopy done. They found a mass on my esophagus. A biopsy was completed at that time, and it was confirmed to be cancerous. 

This week they did an endoscopic ultrasound and have been able to stage it. I have been officially diagnosed with stage 2/3 adenocarcinoma with involvement of two small lymph nodes right around the tumor. A CT last week found no metastasis at this point in my other lymph nodes, abdomen, chest, or pelvis. I just had my first oncologist appointment yesterday and while that is a very good sign, they are still wanting to have a PET scan done to see things just a bit clearer. They have also decided on a plan.  

Next Wednesday, 10/26, I will be having an outpatient surgery to place a port.  Then I have appointments being set to see the medical and radiological doctors on my team.  We will be beginning 5 weeks of once-a-week Chemo and simultaneously will be doing 5 days a week (Mon-Fri) radiation for that 5-week period too.  After that we will repeat the PET scan and look for change. 

So... there it is. My unexpected reality. A twist in my story and I am not quite sure how I feel. If I were honest, I'm actually all over the place. I want time to stop because I'm not sure I'm ready to face all of this and simultaneously want it to speed up so I can start fighting this thing before it grows or moves anywhere else. I have moments of panic when I begin to think of all the unknown what ifs and moments of peace when I remember God is and has already been in this fight alongside and for me. I feel like I need a medical specialty degree to better advocate for myself and also want to hide my head like an ostrich, so I don't have to read all the clinical info and see all the statistics and prognosis'. It's a lot. 

Somehow though, even in the face of ALLL of this, there are still some glimmers of joy. I want to thank all the friends and family that have come alongside me as I have started to get the news out. Thank you all for the covering of prayer, the scriptures in my messages, and the songs you have sent. I can't describe how good it feels to not feel alone in this. Our family is very grateful...I am very grateful. 

*side note* This will be the primary way that we update everyone on this journey from here on out. I will do my best to post regularly. 

My Musings....

This all really sucks. But, you don't get to choose all the things that you go through in life. This fact has been unsettling for me. I am a doer. I am a fixer. If something is wrong, I try to take care of it. This diagnosis tries to make one feel powerless. It strips away the mental solidness of our plans and expectations.  Have I mentioned I like things orderly (ok not my house lol but I am a list maker) I had my holiday plans laid out already. I have 5-year and 10-year plans. This feels like the equivalent to losing my planner. It doesn't feel comfortable. I have spent the last week struggling to right myself and find my footing.

Here is what has hit me that I am latching onto...

 I can't choose this diagnosis, but I can choose how I face it. That thought alone gives me extraordinary strength because it feels like I am taking back a little control from the C word. 

Our paths are never straight lines. They weave. They turn. Sometimes we feel battered like the pickets in this old fence...trying our best to just hang on. Yet, there is a something beautiful that we recognize in the character that life brings to our stories. It says I have lived. And for me, as a believer, it says here is where God moved and revealed an attribute of Himself to me. 

So, that said...here is what I am going to do. I'm going to walk this road aware, appreciative, summitted to Christ in this entire process, and I am going to look for the joy and blessings in each of my days...even the hard ones to come. 

Today I'm thankful for (besides the obvious of Paul, the kids, and friends and family): Today, this breath...and this breath...and this one... I am here. I am at peace. God is with me.  I am His.  And with all of those blessings, my cup doth overflow!