Oh My Momma, My Momma...

 Sunday the 23rd was the 10th month anniversary of my mom's passing from colon cancer which had spread everywhere. Her official cause of death was determined to be a particular tumor that had moved into her liver. The liver also happens to be one of the main places that esophagus cancer tends to jump to first. The realization made it just a bittersweet day for me. 

 I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that my mom would have just been gone so quickly. We literally found out about her cancer one night and about 12 hours later she was gone. Now, admittedly, she had had the cancer unbeknownst to us for longer, but that small 12-hour window was all the warning, preparation, and time my sisters and I got to say goodbye. Secondly, I never would have thought that not even a year later I would be embarking on a journey dealing with cancer myself. 

I miss her presence. This is the biggest thing I have faced without her by my side in my entire life. I catch myself putting her on her perfume (White Diamonds) each day just so I can close my eyes from time to time and try to remember what it felt like when she would hold me close. Sometimes, I can remember the feel of her hand stroking my hair and for just a brief second, I can exhale and just collapse into the space and feel held. 

Then there are other moments where she feels so very far away. After my consult with the oncology surgeon, I stopped by the cemetery. I just stood there and cried. I remember consciously being aware that my tears were dropping and hitting the rocks at my feet, and I envied them for getting to be just a bit closer to her than I was able to physically be. 

It is a strange reality because there is a deep longing and aching but at the very same time, I am grateful that she passed before knowing I would have to take this journey. While she would have been immensely brave and strong for me, inside I know she would have broken. I thank God that she was spared this... even if it makes it harder on me. 

Just after my mom passed a dear friend who makes quilts reached out and wanted to bless me with a quilt just for me. After talking with her we decided on colors. My mom had lived me with until her passing and I was in the process of converting my mom's bedroom into an office and place of solace for me. I shared with her the color scheme we were going with and just asked that since she knew my sweet mama for it to just be whatever spoke my mom's essence to her most. 

Well, ironically (though there are no coincidences), she reached out on my diagnosis day to tell me the blanket was ready and that she needed my address. She shared a picture, and it was beautiful perfection! I have since got it and the picture I am posting just does not do it justice. It just IS my mom from the patterns of flowers to the colors to how it all is arranged together. And, it has arrived at the most perfect time. 

The song lyric that came to mind when I saw it was "It might look like I'm surrounded but I'm surrounded by You." Certainly, when I wrapped it around me, I felt my mom all around and that is a gift like no other right now. Thank you from the bottom of my heart Dawn! It also caused me to pause and hang my hope on another branch too.

 You see, back when I had been asked about accepting a quilt gift, I had imagined it being something to go in my office that I would use occasionally but look at and appreciate far more. However, I truly believe it was orchestrated and so perfectly timed to be a much more tangible actual comfort to me as I begin my treatments. It is affirming to me that I am seen, beloved, cared for, and that our God is in our tomorrows preparing a way for us WAY ahead of where we currently are. And...if He was right HERE back there then He is already up ahead of me on this road too and I can trust and just Let God be God.  

Below is a wonderful version of the song I mentioned above. It even has an extra special little nugget in the middle of it...a really excellent rendition of the chorus line of "Rock of Ages". Enjoy. 

I'm Surrounded

Have you ever had an experience where you had affirmation that He had prepared a way?